Griped News is a collection of satirical pieces written by a George School student who has chosen to be unnamed and instead go by the name of Anthony Boonebury Cadbaez Deanmurrow the Third. These pieces are not meant to offend or insult, but rather bring comedy to some of the issues already prevalent on the George School campus through the eyes of a student.
Hello again everyone! Here at the G.R.I.P.E.D(George Reporters Intelligence Program Editorial Department) we have been working hard to crank out the best junk news we can find. Here’s some juicy items.
New complaints have been flooding in from every part of the George School campus. Teachers complain that paper is beginning to mysteriously disappear every Thursday. The Dining Hall taff has been complaining that the sweet and sour tofu, curried lentils, and raw shrimp over rice are overflowing out of the hot plates inside the completely deserted dining hall. The nurses in the SWHC have notified the faculty that many students are coming in with paper-cuts on the inside of their throats.
We here in the newsroom have gotten to the bottom of these events. Students are resorting to eating paper on Thursday. When we asked the students why they are eating paper, they responded that paper is much easier to eat than most foods found in the hotplates during meals on Thursdays.
Ultimately, the future health benefits of eating all this fiber can only be speculated upon. Students and faculty are now taking this further and demanding that all paper in the school be made from trees without GMOs, to preserve its organic qualities and ensure student’s safety from the dangers of eating genetically enhanced trees.
New Equality Dress Code Mandate
Here at George School, we take equality very seriously. The school now prides itself in taking one more step towards the eradication of the male and female double standard. Starting today, George School will have an Equal Clothing Mandate added to the community handbook. This means that everyone is held to the same exact clothing standards. Now, because angry parents would probably withdraw their daughters if we did this the other way around, the school has implemented the Female Dress code onto all students. Under no circumstances may men show their nipples. The GS Swim Team has put in new orders for swimsuits to accommodate the mandate. All cutoff shirts used for workouts will be banned, as men are no longer allowed to show off their nipples to their comrades in the gym while lifting weights. Additionally, any tight clothing must be accompanied with a bra. The School will be holding a bra sizing class outside the dining hall this week to accommodate those of us who have no clue what our bra sizes are. In conclusion, Equality for All
As you all know, a new anti-clown policy had been put in place on the George School Campus. The Deans worked to dissuade everyone that the clowns in the woods are a hoax and nothing to be afraid of as they aren’t real. To prove how much of a hoax it is, the school has banned clown costumes this Halloween.
Already, two people have received “clown DCs.” One person was given a Discipline Committee for wearing a clown mask. It turns out that the student was actually wearing an obscene amount of makeup. According to the student, they were merel trying to “express themselves.” Meanwhile, another student received a clown DC, just for swimming in the FAC pool; his skin was bleached pale by the chlorine in the pool and his nose bright red from one of the fifty contagions that the health center notifies us about by spamming our emails.
Trump Cardio Program
As we had a handful of students that are eligible to vote in this nightmare of an election, there were vans going to the voting booths, about a twenty-minute drive away. For those who would be voting for Hillary, they would be taking the vans back to school. However, we had decided to start a special PE in which the Republicans would walk back to campus. We hope that this gift of exercise makes people consider just who they should vote for this election cycle.
Quaker Con, which we all know and love, now needs change its name. The organizers of Quaker Con were approached by teachers who told them that the name Quaker Con needs to be changed because it is offensive to Quakers. Apparently, playing games in which everyone beats each other up is not considered Quakerly.
The revelation of the offensiveness of Quaker Con has prompted the faculty to begin considering the names of other clubs. LASO, the Latin American Student Organization, will need to change their name as it is offensive to cowboys. Open Doors will need to change their name as it is offensive to closed doors. WIN, Women’s Issues Now, will need to change their name as it offends losers –*cough*– “victory challenged.” We hope that by changing the name of Quaker Con we can be one step closer to complete political correctness.
We All Have This Teacher
The Ten Demandments
- Thou shalt have no other classes but Mine
- Thou shalt not bring graven assignments from false classes in my class.
- Thou shalt not take the Class’s assignments in vain
- Thou shalt remember the assignment day
- Thou shalt honor thy homework and thy presentations
- Thou shalt not sleep
- Thou shalt not commit truancy
- Thou shalt not steal my pencils
- Thou shalt not bear false 15 minute rules.
- Thou shalt not covet my rolling chair.
Hope you enjoyed the heaping pile of news!