Griped News is a collection of satirical pieces written by a George School student who has chosen to be unnamed and instead go by the name of Anthony Boonebury Cadbaez Deanmurrow the Third. These pieces are not meant to offend or insult, but rather bring comedy to some of the issues already prevalent on the George School campus through the eyes of a student.
Renovations to put air conditioning have been delayed in Drayton and Orton in order for the school to install it inside all our trash cans instead. The Ad-Hoc Nature Sub-Committee of the Environmental Hoc-Ad Committee delegation from the Omega Beta Student Committee section of the Hoc Student Life Alpha Ad Committee have noticed how our friendly squirrels and bees often spend time searching for the food that George School students refuse to eat inside those horribly humid trash cans around campus. These frisky fritters are subjected to toil in those hot conditions just to get the food no one else on campus wants!
At the suggestion of the Ad-Hoc-Alpha-Omega-Beta George School Committee on the Hoc-Ad-Alpha Green Committee the decision was put forward to have a committee to determine a committee on the treatment of wildlife. George School will now be routing all funds for air conditioning in Drayton and Orton into air conditioning for our garbage cans so that our squirrels can enjoy a nice breeze while foraging for food.
Three students have received punishments by the Discipline Committee this week, all for infringing on school rules. One student received his punishment for picking a flower off South Lawn to give to his crush to escape the Friend Zone. Another student received her punishment for climbing seven feet up a tree to retrieve the four-square ball, which had landed there because another student had kicked the ball upward between games to show off their Devel-soccer skills. The third student went to classes wearing only a large leaf in front of his or her legs. The first student has been campused and is banned from walking on South Lawn for the rest of the term. If he does, it is whereabouts. The second student has been de-campused and is banned from playing four square for the term. The third was found only to be expressing his or her individuality and is to be celebrated and given an entire assembly period to talk about it.
Complete confusion has engulfed George School. Everyone is going to their Thursday afternoon classes. The problem is that it is Tuesday. With TC’s racking up and confused teachers and students alike finding their classrooms empty upon arrival, we have asked the students just why they have all attended Thursday classes despite it being Tuesday. They responded that they thought it was Thursday because there was no meat in the hot plates at lunch, which is only supposed to happen on Thursday.
At George School, we recognize the right of people to have a diversity of opinions. The majority of the George School populace identify as far left mushy gushy bleeding heart liberals. However, we also have an oppressed minority of differently minded individuals. Since some of our students feel hazed by the people around them because they have different political beliefs, we have invented a new version of friending designed specifically to support the minority of George School students who self-identify not with masculine or feminine pronouns, but with the Republican Party.
An excerpt from the new friending section of the revised George School Handbook officially states: “Support those on the George School campus with minority political views by delivering the friendly gesture of a high five directly to their facial region, preferably near the brain… continue to do so until the said racist republican affiliate utilizes the freedom to choose which we give all our GS students, most of whom fortunately choose to be democrats. When you’re done, please stop friending that person and move on to liberate friend another republican affiliate.”
Declaration of Time Dependence
The following Declaration was recently adopted by Student Council for the purpose of liberating all students from the tyranny of homework. Teachers beware!
When in the Course of student events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the educational bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of a long weekend entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Student kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Students are created bored, that they are endowed by themselves with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are weekends, free periods and the pursuit of the 15 minute rule. That to secure these rights, Committees are instituted among Students, deriving their just powers from the consent of the over-worked, that whenever any Form of Homework becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Students to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Due Dates, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to affect their Sleep and Call of Duty Campaigns. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that School’s long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly, all experience hath shewn, that Students are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Assignments, and to provide new Committees for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these Classes; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Homework Distribution. The history of the present King of Great Long Term Projects is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Students. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid School.
GS keeps generating great circumstances for our entertainment. We will soon be with another issue, either paper or political, next week.
New Inclusion Mandate
As we have done such a good job respecting the six vegetarians on campus with vegetarian Thursday, the new Ad-Hoc Inclusion Committee is now working to find ways to accommodate everyone on campus, regardless of diet, religion, or other personal preferences. GS will still not be celebrating any religious holidays. Instead, the school has decided to alter our dining hall hours to accommodate the culture of other people. For the entire holiday of Ramadan (one month) the dining hall will be open from sundown to sunrise and closed from sunrise to sunset. Additionally, during Passover, the only food that will be served in the dining hall will be unleavened bread and salt water. We hope this allows the students to better understand and value cultures that differ from most of the populace.
Since Jewish and Muslim holiday calendars differ, this year the two occur at the same time. Thus, the dining hall will only be open from sundown to sunrise and the only food available will be unleavened bread and salt water. We strongly encourage all students to follow these dietary strictures. However, as this is an accepting community, students are free to eat other food and drink regular water during daylight hours. They just get a TC for doing so.
This has been Anthony Boonebury Cadbaez Deanmurrow the Third. Have a good week. And remember, be respectful, or get discipline.
Written by A.B.C.D